As a parent, I used to think praising my kids’ intelligence was harmless. “You’re so smart!” I’d say after they aced a test or solved a puzzle. But a few years ago, I stumbled on research that made me rethink everything. It turns out, telling kids they’re “smart” might actually hurt their confidence, motivation, and ability to handle failure. Here’s what I learned—and why I stopped praising intelligence cold turkey.
1. Praising Intelligence Makes Kids Fear Failure
When my daughter brought home a perfect math score, I proudly called her a “genius.” But later, she refused to try a harder problem set, saying, “What if I’m not smart enough?” That’s when I realized: Labeling kids as “smart” teaches them to see intelligence as a fixed trait. According to psychologist Carol Dweck, children praised for intelligence often avoid challenges to protect their reputation. If they believe their success depends on being “smart,” failure feels like a personal flaw—not a chance to grow.
2. It Encourages Dishonesty
In a study by Dweck, nearly 40% of kids praised for intelligence lied about their scores to appear smarter. My son once hid a bad grade, and I couldn’t figure out why—until I connected the dots. When we praise results (“You’re brilliant!”), kids learn to value looking smart over being honest. They’d rather deceive than admit they struggled.
3. Effort Praise Builds Resilience
Switching to effort-based praise transformed our home. Instead of “You’re a math whiz,” I now say, “I’m proud of how hard you worked on this.” Research shows that focusing on effort fosters a “growth mindset,” where kids see challenges as opportunities. After this shift, my daughter started tackling tougher problems, saying, “If I keep trying, I’ll get better.”
4. Intelligence Praise Undermines Motivation
When we tell kids they’re “smart,” they start believing effort shouldn’t be necessary. One study found that children praised for intelligence chose easier tasks to avoid risking failure, while effort-praised kids opted for harder ones. My son used to give up on piano practice, saying, “I’m just not talented.” Now, when I praise his daily practice, he sticks with it—even when it’s hard.
5. It Backfires on Self-Esteem
Ironically, praising intelligence can make kids feel less confident. When my niece was called “gifted,” she panicked over every mistake, thinking, “If I’m so smart, why can’t I figure this out?” Studies confirm that ability praise ties self-worth to performance, making setbacks feel catastrophic. Effort praise, however, separates self-esteem from outcomes, letting kids bounce back faster.
6. Even “Positive” Labels Can Harm
Calling a child “creative” or “a natural athlete” seems harmless, but labels pressure kids to uphold them. My nephew, labeled “the artist” in the family, stopped drawing after a harsh critique—he feared he’d “lost his talent.” Research shows that even positive labels can box kids into fixed identities, discouraging exploration.
7. How to Shift Your Praise (Without the Cringe)
Changing my language wasn’t easy. Here’s what worked:
- Focus on the process: “I noticed you revised that essay three times—great persistence!”
- Highlight strategies: “How did you figure out that coding problem?”
- Acknowledge improvement: “Your handwriting’s gotten so neat since last month!”
These phrases align with growth mindset principles, teaching kids that skills are built, not born.
8. What to Say Instead of “You’re Smart”
I keep a mental list of alternatives:
- “You must feel proud of how much effort you put in.”
- “I love how you didn’t give up, even when it was tricky.”
- “This shows what you can do when you practice!”
These responses keep the focus on their actions, not innate traits.
9. When They Do Succeed? Celebrate Strategically
When my daughter won a science fair, I didn’t say, “You’re a genius!” Instead, I asked, “What part of this project felt most rewarding?” This encourages reflection on their journey, not just the outcome.
10. Model Growth Mindset Yourself
Kids watch how we handle our own mistakes. Now, I vocalize my struggles: “I’m frustrated this recipe didn’t work, but I’ll try tweaking the spices.” Research shows that parents who model resilience raise kids who do the same.
11. Address Fixed Mindset Traps in Schools
Even teachers fall into praising intelligence. I’ve gently asked my kids’ educators to focus on effort in feedback. One study found that students thrive when educators emphasize improvement over innate talent.
12. Why It’s Never Too Late to Change
I worried my older teen was “too set” in his ways, but small shifts still made a difference. When he complained about a bad grade, I asked, “What did this teach you?” instead of arguing. Over time, he’s become more open to feedback. Growth mindset principles apply at any age.
Final Thoughts: Rethink Your Praise
Breaking the “smart” habit isn’t about denying kids validation—it’s about giving them the tools to thrive long-term. By focusing on effort, curiosity, and resilience, we teach them that their potential isn’t fixed. It’s a journey, not a label. And that’s a gift no test score can measure.
