Let me start with a confession: I used to praise my kids constantly. Every scribble was a “masterpiece,” every goal scored was “genius-level skill,” and every mundane task—like picking up toys—earned a “You’re the best kid ever!” I thought I was building their confidence. Turns out, I was building something else: anxiety, entitlement, and a fear of failure. Here’s what I learned the hard way—and why overpraising might be the biggest mistake we’re making as parents.
1. The Overpraising Epidemic (And Why We’re All Guilty)
We’ve been told for decades that praise is fuel for a child’s self-esteem. But somewhere along the way, “good job” turned into a reflex. A 2024 study revealed that parents now praise children an average of 43 times per day [[2]]. That’s not encouragement—it’s noise.
My wake-up call came when my 8-year-old son melted down after losing a board game. “I’m the worst! You never say I’m smart anymore!” he screamed. It hit me: I’d trained him to rely on external validation. His self-worth wasn’t tied to effort or growth—it was tied to my applause.
Experts warn that excessive praise creates a “fragile confidence”. Kids start fearing mistakes because they equate their value with constant approval. One psychologist called it “the self-esteem trap”.
2. The Hidden Costs of “You’re So Smart”
Here’s the kicker: Overpraising doesn’t just inflate egos—it backfires. When we tell kids they’re “brilliant” or “talented,” they internalize a dangerous message: If I’m naturally good, trying hard means I’m failing.
My daughter, once praised for being “gifted” in math, began skipping homework. “Why bother? I already know it,” she’d say. When she bombed a test, she crumbled. Research shows this pattern is common. Kids praised for innate ability avoid challenges, fearing failure will expose them as “not smart”.
Even scarier? Overpraised kids often develop anxiety. A study linked excessive praise to heightened stress in teens, as they feel pressured to live up to labels.
3. How Overpraising Breeds Entitlement
This one stung. My son once demanded dessert for cleaning his room. “But you said I’m amazing at chores!” he argued. I’d unintentionally taught him to expect rewards for basic responsibilities.
Entitlement isn’t about spoiled kids—it’s about a distorted view of effort vs. outcome. When we overpraise, kids learn to prioritize accolades over growth. They start believing they deserve praise simply for existing, not for striving.
A teacher friend shared a story: A student screamed, “But I’m the best artist!” when given constructive feedback. The kid wasn’t arrogant—he’d been told his work was “perfect” so often, he couldn’t handle critique.
4. The Fine Line Between Encouragement and Overkill
So, should we stop praising altogether? No. The key is how we praise.
Instead of generic “good jobs,” focus on specific effort. When my daughter worked hard on a science project, I said, “I’m proud of how you kept trying even when the experiment failed.” That shifted her focus from “Am I smart?” to “Did I try?”.
Avoid labels like “genius” or “prodigy.” These create pressure to maintain an image. Instead, celebrate persistence. Research shows effort-based praise builds resilience .
5. Signs You’re Overpraising (And How to Fix It)
Not sure if you’re guilty? Here are red flags:
- Your child avoids challenges unless they’re certain to succeed.
- They need constant validation (“Is this good? Do you like it?”).
- They melt down over minor setbacks.
If this sounds familiar, reset your praise strategy:
- Be specific: “I love how you shared toys with your sister today.”
- Praise the process: “You practiced piano every day—no wonder you nailed that song!”
- Encourage self-reflection: Ask, “How do you feel about your project?” instead of judging it.
6. The Power of “No” (And Other Underused Tools)
Sometimes, the best praise is silence. Let kids experience frustration. When my son struggled to tie his shoes, I bit my tongue instead of saying, “You’re doing great!” He figured it out—and the pride was written all over his face.
Also, normalize failure. Share your own mistakes. “I messed up at work today, but I’ll try again tomorrow.” This teaches kids that setbacks aren’t catastrophes.
7. Why This Matters More Than You Think
Overpraising isn’t just a parenting quirk—it’s shaping our kids’ futures. Employers now report that young workers crumble under criticism, demand promotions without earning them, and lack problem-solving skills.
The good news? It’s never too late to change. Start by auditing your praise. I did, and the results were immediate. My kids still ask, “Was I good?” but now they’re also saying, “Look how I tried!”
The Bottom Line
Praise isn’t about quantity—it’s about quality. Let’s stop treating our kids like delicate trophies and start seeing them as capable humans. The goal isn’t to make them feel special every second—it’s to prepare them for a world that won’t always applaud them.
So next time you’re tempted to say, “You’re amazing,” pause. Ask yourself: Is this building their confidence or my ego? The answer might surprise you.
