I’ll never forget the day I realized I was failing my son. He was struggling to tie his shoes—a task he’d practiced a dozen times. His face crumpled, and before he could even whimper, I jumped in: “Here, let me do it.” The look of relief on his face made me swell with pride… until later, when I found him sobbing because his tower of blocks kept collapsing. “I can’t fix it!” he wailed. That’s when it hit me: I wasn’t helping him. I was robbing him of the chance to try.
Turns out, my “helicopter parenting” is the most common mistake parents make when trying to build resilience. And I’m not alone. Experts warn that overprotecting kids—doing things for them, shielding them from failure, or solving every problem—actually weakens their ability to cope . The good news? Fixing it is simpler than you think.
The Mistake: Overparenting
Let’s name the villain: overparenting. It’s that knee-jerk urge to rescue kids from every frustration, disappointment, or scraped knee. I’ve done it a thousand times. My son falls? I hover. His homework confuses him? I grab a pencil. His friend cancels a playdate? I rush to cheer him up with ice cream.
But here’s the problem: Resilience isn’t built in comfort. It’s forged in struggle. When we step in too soon, we send a silent message: “You can’t handle this. You need me.” Kids internalize that doubt. One study calls this the “mental weakness” trap—kids grow up fearing failure so much they avoid challenges altogether .
Think about it: How will a child learn to resolve conflicts if we mediate every playground squabble? Or manage stress if we eliminate every obstacle? Spoiler alert: They won’t.
Why Overparenting Backfires
1. It Stunts Problem-Solving Skills
When I do my son’s puzzles for him, he doesn’t learn to spot the right shapes—he learns to wait for me. Research shows kids need daily practice tackling small challenges to build confidence . Without it, they freeze when faced with bigger issues, like a bully or a bad grade.
2. It Breeds Anxiety
Shielding kids from failure teaches them failure is catastrophic. My niece once panicked over a B+ because her mom had always “fixed” her mistakes. Now she’s terrified of trying anything new, convinced she’ll “mess up” .
3. It Kills Grit
Grit—the stubborn refusal to quit—is resilience’s secret sauce. But grit grows through persistence, not shortcuts. When we rush to soothe every frustration, kids never learn to push through discomfort .
The Fix: Let Them Struggle (But Not Too Much)
So how do we stop overparenting without abandoning our kids? It’s a balance. Here’s what worked for me—and what experts recommend:
1. Pause Before Rescuing
When my son’s block tower tumbled, my first instinct was to rebuild it. Instead, I bit my tongue and said, “Hmm, that’s tricky. What could you try next?” He scowled, then added a wider base. It wobbled… then stood. That tiny victory taught him more than my intervention ever could.
The rule: Wait 60 seconds before stepping in. Most frustrations pass if kids get a moment to breathe .
2. Reframe Failure as Feedback
I used to hide my own mistakes from my son—burnt dinners, missed deadlines—until I realized I was modeling perfectionism. Now, I say things like, “Oops, I forgot the eggs! Let’s make a list so it doesn’t happen again.” Kids mimic our attitudes. If we treat missteps as learning, they will too .
3. Teach Problem-Solving, Don’t Do It
When my son’s friend snatched his toy, I wanted to march over and demand justice. Instead, I asked, “What could you say to get your toy back?” He mumbled, “Can I have it back… please?” It worked—and he glowed with pride.
Ask open-ended questions:
- “How do you think we should handle this?”
- “What’s one thing you could try?”
4. Let Them Feel Discomfort
This is hard. When my son’s feelings got hurt, I’d distract him with snacks or jokes. Now, I acknowledge his emotions first: “That must feel awful. Want to talk about it?” Then I give him space to process. Emotional resilience grows when kids learn to comfort themselves .
5. Model Resilience
Kids watch us more than we realize. If I panic over a broken dishwasher, my son learns to panic over small problems. But if I say, “Ugh, this is frustrating. Let me take a breath and figure it out,” he learns to stay calm under stress .
When to Step In (Yes, Sometimes You Should)
Letting kids struggle doesn’t mean abandoning them. Some situations call for adult help:
- Safety risks (e.g., climbing a too-tall tree).
- Bullying or unfair treatment.
- Overwhelming emotions that leave them paralyzed .
The key is to support without taking over. Instead of solving the problem, equip them: “Let’s practice what to say to the bully,” or “How can we make this easier next time?”
The Long Game
Changing my habits wasn’t easy. The first time I let my son cry over a broken toy, I felt like a monster. But weeks later, he shocked me by calmly fixing his own bike chain. “I remembered how you fixed my tower,” he shrugged.
Resilience isn’t about never falling—it’s about getting back up. Every small struggle is a brick in their emotional armor. And yes, it’s messy. But the payoff? A kid who can handle life’s curveballs with courage, not panic.
Final Thought: Trust Them
The biggest lesson I’ve learned? Kids are stronger than we think. That tower collapse? It wasn’t a crisis—it was a chance to grow. And when we give them space to grow, they surprise us.
So next time you feel the urge to rescue, pause. Breathe. Trust that your child has what it takes to figure it out. Because resilience isn’t built in a day—or by a parent’s perfection. It’s built through a thousand tiny struggles, survived and celebrated.
